Tomorrow is Halloween and Reformation Day. As a child the latter event holds actively vivid memories, but for most kids the first seems more significantly relevant. And, as the Oldies play in this local coffee shop, I am reminded that I had a kindly different childhood, and love to think back on all the silly moments that make up my past.
Sure, I have my share of Freudian parental struggles stored in my psyche, but I am free to recall so many little moments from two to sixteen. Today, I found myself at sixteen in khakis and a tucked in shirt with uncomfortable shoes I once thought cute. I walked through the park with Sundae to stumble into a paved road to my past. There, I derailed my quiet exterior into something reminiscent.
Leaping from anxious to smudging a smile across my cheeks as I remembered the once roamed the halls of BLS. I remembered all those little moments trailing from my locker into the entrance of Mr. Hen's chemistry class. Such thoughts like, "Are my stockings ripping again? Will Dan Cox ask me out? Oh holy crap, I forgot to work on those mole equations! Maybe Katie Sharkey will help me get a few free answers?" These little inner dialogues accompanied my teen years, and I can now look back to understand that my little moments of crisis turned into the comedy that I needed on this too serious of a day. Best, today isn't that serious and that's what's bugging me.
Lately, I can see that I am more than stuck in a life with dwindled responsibilities. I have work, some friend, and a few family responsibilities, but nothing much waits for me to respond when I hang up my coat in my neat little apartment each night. I can awake to call into work for a partial day off, and it barely seems to matter. I can freely take my chubby puppy to the park to soak in some old memories without a plan. And, I can find myself craving my old home life when I pour a cup of coffee and eat dinner by myself once more. I miss the little tensions that were accompanied with good company.
This ginger peach tea is delicious, but I guarantee you that I won't be thinking about it when I am feeling lonely, walking in the park on a beautiful day like today. I won't sit around thinking about the time in my life when it was so quiet that I spent hours online looking for noise in music. But, will I? As I turned the paved corner in the park, I had to admit that all my little memories of childhood seem to fit in niches that most people would not notice. It's like finding those old hidden closets that seemed to serve no purpose, but like to make up fantasies for hidden worlds lying behind its sealed doors.
It's comforting to know that today will one day matter. It could be the source of a long awaited smile or deep breath. Something in this time that just feels like roaming will become something hallowed like a name. It will be marked as a time in my life, and I am glad to call it my own.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Popular Stranger
Lately, I find annoyance soaring high within my thoughts. The thought of listening to my friends on the phone makes me want to roll my eyes and issue a breath filled bellow grunt. The thought of having to hear one more complaint and unwillingness to address the issue makes my brain burn and my heart lunge toward attack. The thought of my spilling something on my new shoes has me in a tizzy. Annoyed by others transcends my day's brightest moments. The lights go out as I shut my mouth to not respond, but annoyance always instigates a passive bitter quarrel.
To hear this, one may envision a person that cannot smile or has attached wolf like fangs to their decor. But, here they will disappointed to see the same old exterior seeking orderliness and subtle tones of relaxation. Annoyance just stands out when you see me finally react after another passive tongue slips a jab against my continual state of single hood. My eyes stare into a downward roll and then my posture slips to jello in my chair. When I am not reacting to the moment, I am trying to convince myself that today is a new day which can take an hour in my bath robe, and a slow scurry to try not to go outside. Annoyance for me tries to turn into avoidance, but those knowing me best know that I cannot hide because I am not a wimp, just quieted by moments.
Then, out of the blue, the least likely person to have any ability in my prior judgements of their persona starts to let the light shed on me. He asks questions that don't start off to be about himself, and for this I am most skeptical. I quietly wonder, "Why is HE asking about me?" I start to concede to shorter answers because I can only see one destination for these routed questions. It's the same old story, guys only want one thing. And, this person that is previously critiqued in my perceptual history of their existence neatly fits in a category that I never was. He was the epitome of popularity in a small former world, and for us to converse means that something egregious will collide.
Aggravated and intrigued, I find myself trying to blow the thought of all of him off. And yet, it kills me to know that I am being the unpopular one simply by my prejudice. The one person, this stranger that has made himself known by trying to know me, I am flicking off my shoulder like dander. He's a brother in Christ and I am putting him far off with my excuse assuming that his group deserves. Worst, it's all a weak foundation for treatment because his group never did anything wrong other than be people that I held in jealous contempt. My annoyance now slips into myself and I have no clue where to go since I have become accustomed with being annoyed outside of myself.
I wonder if I am just scared to cross lines that I have used to keep safe. This popular stranger has taken my attention to wonder a bit about why I think nobody wants to talk to me. He has taken my role of the stranger and let me realize that I must act in kindness which is the boldest action because so much of me wants to be justified to treat one person like the annoyance that they are. But, my soul hungers for more than justice. It seeks peace beyond annoyance.
To hear this, one may envision a person that cannot smile or has attached wolf like fangs to their decor. But, here they will disappointed to see the same old exterior seeking orderliness and subtle tones of relaxation. Annoyance just stands out when you see me finally react after another passive tongue slips a jab against my continual state of single hood. My eyes stare into a downward roll and then my posture slips to jello in my chair. When I am not reacting to the moment, I am trying to convince myself that today is a new day which can take an hour in my bath robe, and a slow scurry to try not to go outside. Annoyance for me tries to turn into avoidance, but those knowing me best know that I cannot hide because I am not a wimp, just quieted by moments.
Then, out of the blue, the least likely person to have any ability in my prior judgements of their persona starts to let the light shed on me. He asks questions that don't start off to be about himself, and for this I am most skeptical. I quietly wonder, "Why is HE asking about me?" I start to concede to shorter answers because I can only see one destination for these routed questions. It's the same old story, guys only want one thing. And, this person that is previously critiqued in my perceptual history of their existence neatly fits in a category that I never was. He was the epitome of popularity in a small former world, and for us to converse means that something egregious will collide.
Aggravated and intrigued, I find myself trying to blow the thought of all of him off. And yet, it kills me to know that I am being the unpopular one simply by my prejudice. The one person, this stranger that has made himself known by trying to know me, I am flicking off my shoulder like dander. He's a brother in Christ and I am putting him far off with my excuse assuming that his group deserves. Worst, it's all a weak foundation for treatment because his group never did anything wrong other than be people that I held in jealous contempt. My annoyance now slips into myself and I have no clue where to go since I have become accustomed with being annoyed outside of myself.
I wonder if I am just scared to cross lines that I have used to keep safe. This popular stranger has taken my attention to wonder a bit about why I think nobody wants to talk to me. He has taken my role of the stranger and let me realize that I must act in kindness which is the boldest action because so much of me wants to be justified to treat one person like the annoyance that they are. But, my soul hungers for more than justice. It seeks peace beyond annoyance.
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