Home

There once was an old battered brown rattan settee that smelled like the dry summer sun in my childhood home. I remember throwing myself on it to watch TV. When I would land on the couch, it squeaked across the floor until I was safely cozied up in the floral cushions with my toes sticking through the bamboo weave like little prisoners trying to make a break. Once as I found my way across the two evenly gaped cushions, I always remember feeling like something was right despite the lacking physical support.
Today, I long to sit on that couch with my long arms draped across the tan tiles to feel a little sense of home. With life comes many new experiences that sometimes rush like that first leap onto the sofa. Most of the time, I find only a little squeak from my soul's momentary discomfort. But, on days like today, my heart longs to cuddle between those sun drenched cushions as I await my father to come wake me from my long needed slumber in the dark.
How I long to find something familiar in my life that is willing to let me just let go of facades. Dreaming of going back to a time when my worst offenses were name calling and skipped chores brings a deep growled longing within me to find what I now cannot have. I want to silence my heart's lost beat with a dose of my father's instant wisdom as he managed to complete a crossword and help me with my algebra homework at the same time. I long to sob and know that by dinner time, my aches will traipse into laughter as I sit down with my family to eat and discuss our day aside our old sofa. Home.

Couch Dent

Another muggy summer day drifts across my front yard as I sit inside working on adding a new cozy eyesore to my mom's new couch. Yep, after hours on end researching house rentals, online returns, National Averages for anything from education to groceries, Facebook mega-messages, Netflix Queue additions, updating financial info and credit reports, and oh yes, writing the final Call Acceptance letter, I have managed to add a new downward slope to the right side of this very comfortable cushion. From here, I can interact with people and ideas near and far, add lower neck tension to my tilted frame, and converse with Charlie Chaplin: the family bird. And, life can at least seem as if it is going somewhere amongst written dialogues and online research.
Fortunately, I had to escape my chenelle comfort to find an overpriced hair treatment. On my way, I found myself not wanting to go into any of Ellicott City's quaint shops. There's more to find in a quarter mile of antiquated buildings than the entire online web! Instead, I found myself looking for benches to visit with a good book or just a path that would lead to another steady walking adventure. I read every historical marker, and somehow, I just had to apologize to God for all my inner whining these past months. Just looking into the quaint river flowing beneath my bridge trembling feet made me see how beautiful this broken world can be. Despite my rugged soccer mom appearance and my gross hair in need of that overpriced toxin, I just knew that God was trying to tell me to 'chill out on something other than my safe cozy couch. It's time to get out and just praise God for creating the beauty of Maryland and semi-drivers that can maneuver their rigs in steep-windy roads(that's just another story for a much duller moment).
Well, I am going online to research where my next subtle adventure shall be.

Net-Fix

Alright, it's been a summer filled with a huge clump of disordered chaos trying to find something controllable, exiting, and bland to give my life a confident sigh of relief. For some reason, I am thinking of how I feel when I walk into an IKEA. Everything is organized from the light-bulbs to the color swatches. I love to escape to IKEA just to have a sense that some part of this universe is in order. Sadly, like my IKEA escapes, I have managed to tune out of the very things that calm and excite me most: laughing with friends, reading any book, organizing anything, cooking, and yes, reading God's Word with others in mind. However, I have found another non-IKEA new legal drug of choice: Netflix.
Oh yes, I am beyond addicted to the tab entitled 'Instant View'. In fact, with what little funding left in my bank account, I bought this little box that I now commune with on a first name basis: Roku. Roku and I spend hours playing every BBC show known to this side of the Atlantic. Roku and I are never separated for more than a few hours time. I look forward to hearing all his clicking pops and clicks as we scan my Netflix Queue for another episodic t.v. marathon. Since Roku came into my life, Netflix viewing has become more than addicting. It is a lifestyle. I cannot imagine life without my dear palm sized Roku.
Yep, it is the truth. I have become addicted to intense t.v. watching via Netflix. My Internet cruising has decreased but I have found a new way to waste endless hours of time. Sadly, I do have a soul. Actually, that should be stated, "gladly, I do have a soul". Unfortunately, after endless hours of Netflix veiwing (yes, I am watching as I type), I think that my soul has lost its spunk to live in the real world. I have managed to befriend a black box named Roku and the jolly town folk of a make believe place called "Ballykissangel" circa 1995 (series 1-2). I have not only become fixated with technology, I have centered it as the source of my daily living. Hmmmmm??? This makes me laugh and cry all in the same moment. I realize how much I depend on entertainment to be my sustenance. And, this all ties in with my soul's condition. I think that it is just as present as before, but most definitely suffocated. It is time to tune out some sorts and forms of 'net' and take time with the best and most real relationship I can ever have with a God that is thankfully bigger and better than Roku. Ah, I think that my soul just took a sigh of relief. Thanks Blogger for giving me this tech-savvy outlet. And for all y'all reading this, go tune in with your Creator and families:)

Tacky Taffeta Goodbyes

As an eternal optimist, I have always known where my passport is and when it will expire. Since age fourteen, it is a document that I have been blessed to have stamped and weathered from various countries. Thirteen years later, it is time to renew it, and await a whole new booklet with blank pages. I can imagine filling it with all kinds of haphazard stamps and a few coffee rings after a long plane ride. I am going to miss my old booklet, but who cares about the past while I await the renewed permission to go anywhere in the world! Likewise, as Christians, our focus is forever fixed upon the promise of Christ's return.
In Matthew 25:1-13, the scenario is something like a chaotic scene at an airport. The ten virgins are ready with lamps in hand to greet and escort the bridegroom to his wedding. I can imagine it looks almost like a scene from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" as the bridesmaids sit and gossip about their cousin's new main-squeeze. With big hair, lots of eye shadow, and some unnatural shades of fuchsia dresses, these ladies are ready to party and meet some chaps of their own. However, a handful decided to just mooch off of a few other bridesmaids for all their cosmetic and transportation needs. They perceive themselves to be the bridesmaid gurus of the dark taffeta underworld. They are ready to show this wedding party who are the real divas. Except for one major detail, this is one of those foreign destination weddings. And, you guessed it, they do not have their passports. A few tried to bribe the prepared bridesmaids for their passport, but nobody wants to give up their identification for this wedding extravaganza. In the blink of an eye, the groom comes running down the hall to meet the bridesmaids at their gate, but the stewardess cannot let the diva-bridesmaids board without proper identification. Then, a few others quickly tried to peel off the ten pounds of makeup on their face to identify their real identity to the groom, but that tacky taffeta kept their identity incognito. She cannot be sure that they are who they say they are without formal documentation. The gate door slams shut, the plane takes off, and somewhere in that terminal are five of the tackiest and angriest bridesmaids this world has ever seen. They trusted the past without sight of any different future possibilities.
As I leave St. Paul Lutheran, I await to hear many goodbyes as I pack up my car and head down the road, but I caution you from solely keep your focus in the past. Like the five wise virgins, keep your eyes fixed upon the promise that God will return. We do not know exactly when, but we can make sure to keep our names in his book as we keep ourselves in touch with all the eternal travel arrangements he is making from this world to the next. His Word is stamped with everything that we need to know to keep our lamps burning and ready to welcome him in the light of grace when he returns at his time. May God's Peace be with you as we await the return of our Lord. See you later!

What in the World!

Over the course of this past month, I did two things. Okay, I did many things, but two events connected with one another. I saw the movie Knowing, and I read the book of Ezekiel. It was the movie that became the reason for my studying Ezekiel. Honestly, I had not planned to do either. I am known for believing that most movies are not worth $8.00 and the book of Ezekiel has always left me too confused. However, in a month's time, I found myself doing two things that were out of character for me, but I did them.
Today, I find myself out of character once more as my home, work, and homework lists keep getting more cluttered with endless tasks and plans. I find myself paying for things that I had not planned like doctor's bills and extreme avocado hair moisturizer. I find myself spinning like those orbital wheels mentioned in Ezekiel. My whole world as a full-fledged adult has become something out of this world. The routines and places of my past few years is once more becoming an unknown. And, all I can literally and metaphorically say as I spin over the next few months is, "What in the world?!"
Like Ezekiel, I keep seeing the Lord appear in my life and through others in such a profound gentle but bizarrely powerful spirit. Hone in on verse 1:9, and notice what they did not do as they moved. Did you catch it? Ezekiel describes this mysterious creature and its four parts on something that "did not turn as they moved". Honestly, I do not understand this. I dare you to step out of your norm and read the first chapter of Ezekiel. It has a great chance to not 'make sense' but leave you intrigued. This image of God is something out of this world; something unlike anything we have seen or read about in our past. However, I find myself wanting to learn more even if I am found more confused than I was before. Even if it costs me eight bucks and a few brain freezes.
Venturing into each new day, we know that nothing can remain the same. Scientists call this entropy, others might just label it as a fact of life. However, I would venture to suggest that in God, all things remain 'the same'. Somehow, despite appearances, our salvation is won and done. I can look ahead in multiple directions to see the pain, grief, joy, and happiness of each varied day. Yet, my focus can be unturned and unmoved on the everlasting hope in Christ Jesus. While I prepare to go down the new adult road to semi-unknown territories, I rejoice to know that God can appear in impossible ways, but somehow be true and awe-inspiring. Oh thank you, Ancient of Days!

Sundae Run

As Sundae and I attempted to stay huddled together inside my chilly apartment over the past week, we had plenty of cold and snow pressing down our sense of outdoor adventure. However, we were blessed to have an exuberant amount of sunshine peering through the negative temperatures. This brought warmth through the slatted blinds and a sense of hope as we awaited warmer temperatures.
Sunday came after a hibernated weekend's rest, and Sundae knew it was time to go outside when she saw me pick up her burnt orange coat. She pranced down the stairs as if she had just regained her will to live. We bundled up and with a brisk step, we plowed through the snow with boots and paws.
Making our way down the snow mounded sidewalk, Sundae received the freedom to lawlessly roam without her leash. The snow pinched above her belly and each step had become a leap from snow boot track to snow boot track. A few minutes later and a good burning muscle feeling in my calves, we looked out to the frozen white tundra before us. Sundae peered at me, awaiting my command to "go ahead!". She dashed across the pavement and over the snow bank to prove her snow running skills across the empty park. We ran with giggles and joy as we made fresh tracks in the snow. We looked at each other from afar, wondering why nobody else would attempt to have such carelessly free fun. But, we could care less to analyze such a thought since plenty of untouched snow awaited our trampling stomps towards unfettering euphoria.
Twenty stomps away, Sundae leaped a new trail with her head turning to meet mine. As I stopped to adjust my gloves and hat, she transitioned from a leap into a full force run. She dominated the snow once over half her size and made it seems like a powdered path as she grinned in each fast paced step. I cheered her on, and I could see her shout, "Yeah Mom! Look at me go!". Sundae's run reminded me that these moments are filled with such tantalizing grace and renewal much needed after the most unwavering storms in life.

Puppies, Promises, and Candelight

The other morning, one of you walked into the church office with a little brown eyed, floppy eared puppy. Immediately, my attention leaped from all my day's tasks and responsibilities. I began dreaming about holding this little cute ball of furry goodness in my arms. Holding the puppy in my arms, I wanted her to be mine. I considered how I could make it possible to have this little creature waiting for me to hold her when my workday ended.
Spending a day to research puppy parenthood and finish my last bit of work related reading by candlelight; I came to an unsettling resting conclusion. A puppy is always irresistible. Something about their willingness to receive love and care screams out to my need to nurture life. But, like the candle I carried across my living room to my dining room, all young forms of life need to be carefully guarded from even the gentlest wind that can extinguish their delicate lives.
Stopping at this conclusion reminded me of the great joy and anticipation we face each Advent as we wait for our Baby Jesus to come to us in a small, delicate, humble setting. Our love affair with God coming as Immanuel (God with us) in that Bethlehem manger appeals to our most fragile senses. As Jesus comes as a child to adults, we can embrace the need to draw close to this God in the manger.
Christmas candlelight services are a great place for those outside of faith or church walls to come close to a message full of promise in this little Babe. As God comes to save us from gloomier looming realities he enters into the small to invite us to draw near. And, as we take this season to delight in the comforting joy brought by all young life, we prepare to carry this babe to adulthood.
Likeswise, we carry new believers with great delicacy and care to this Baby Christ. We wait like little children to adore his simple majesty wrapped in white swaddling clothes. As faith unfolds, we begin to walk with Christ into faithful maturity. He teaches us that his death would leave him far from cradled care. With blood-drenched linens he would leave his time to visit with us and vanquish death for our care and eternal promise.

Walking Through Hallowed Halls

Tomorrow is Halloween and Reformation Day. As a child the latter event holds actively vivid memories, but for most kids the first seems more significantly relevant. And, as the Oldies play in this local coffee shop, I am reminded that I had a kindly different childhood, and love to think back on all the silly moments that make up my past.
Sure, I have my share of Freudian parental struggles stored in my psyche, but I am free to recall so many little moments from two to sixteen. Today, I found myself at sixteen in khakis and a tucked in shirt with uncomfortable shoes I once thought cute. I walked through the park with Sundae to stumble into a paved road to my past. There, I derailed my quiet exterior into something reminiscent.
Leaping from anxious to smudging a smile across my cheeks as I remembered the once roamed the halls of BLS. I remembered all those little moments trailing from my locker into the entrance of Mr. Hen's chemistry class. Such thoughts like, "Are my stockings ripping again? Will Dan Cox ask me out? Oh holy crap, I forgot to work on those mole equations! Maybe Katie Sharkey will help me get a few free answers?" These little inner dialogues accompanied my teen years, and I can now look back to understand that my little moments of crisis turned into the comedy that I needed on this too serious of a day. Best, today isn't that serious and that's what's bugging me.
Lately, I can see that I am more than stuck in a life with dwindled responsibilities. I have work, some friend, and a few family responsibilities, but nothing much waits for me to respond when I hang up my coat in my neat little apartment each night. I can awake to call into work for a partial day off, and it barely seems to matter. I can freely take my chubby puppy to the park to soak in some old memories without a plan. And, I can find myself craving my old home life when I pour a cup of coffee and eat dinner by myself once more. I miss the little tensions that were accompanied with good company.
This ginger peach tea is delicious, but I guarantee you that I won't be thinking about it when I am feeling lonely, walking in the park on a beautiful day like today. I won't sit around thinking about the time in my life when it was so quiet that I spent hours online looking for noise in music. But, will I? As I turned the paved corner in the park, I had to admit that all my little memories of childhood seem to fit in niches that most people would not notice. It's like finding those old hidden closets that seemed to serve no purpose, but like to make up fantasies for hidden worlds lying behind its sealed doors.
It's comforting to know that today will one day matter. It could be the source of a long awaited smile or deep breath. Something in this time that just feels like roaming will become something hallowed like a name. It will be marked as a time in my life, and I am glad to call it my own.